


something that will light your ears

by black_queen (hotch_fan)



Series: Billionaire Philanthropist Buddies [2]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: ... kind of, Bickering, Canon - Movie, Conversations, Crack, Crossover, Crossover Friendship, Gen, Humor, Male Friendship, No Plot/Plotless, Secret Identities, Silly, Snark, Superhero Chatter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 07:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1597193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotch_fan/pseuds/black_queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>... Wait.</i> Is this your way of telling me I should walk to Superman and ask him to tell me his secret identity, pretty please?"</p><p>+ Sequel <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6327088">here</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	something that will light your ears

"You can tell me, you know," Tony commented casually, looking up from where he was tinkering with Batman's gauntlets and the small retractable blades/projectiles on the sides. He drummed his fingers on the work table, trying to resist the urge to fire them. _Again._  
  
"Tell you what?" Bruce called back without turning around, brow furrowed as he studied the words in the report filling the screen. He brought up another police report of the same incident with a couple of keystrokes and started skimming through it.  
   
"Oh, you know. The boy scout's _super_ secret identity."  
   
Bruce arched a perfectly groomed dark eyebrow, turning in his chair just enough to look at where Tony was sitting a couple of feet away. "What makes you think he has one? Or that I would know what it is, for that matter."  
   
"Because you're like the king of paranoia and all that jazz." Tony shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "You wouldn't trust an alien that can fly and shot lasers out his eyes if he were _just_ that. And because you're supposed to be the "World's Greatest Detective" so even if he hadn't told you about it, you would have figured it out already."  
   
"Even if you were right- which I'm not saying you are. Why would I tell you?"  
   
"Because I'm asking you _nicely?_ " Tony's innocent expression was wiped out as soon as he heard Bruce snort, being replaced by a smirk. "We're all on the same side here, _Batsy_. No need to be all secretive about names and identities."  
   
"Secret identities are _secret_ for a reason, Tony. Even if you can't seem to understand the need for that."  
   
"Oh, I understand alright, I just decided to try something different. It works for me so no biggie." Tony shrugged again, brown eyes narrowing at the other man. "The real question here, Brucie-boy, is why wouldn't _you_ tell _me_?"  
   
"You're kidding, right?"  
   
"What? Just because I'm not into the whole secrecy thingy most "supers" have going on doesn't mean I'm going around blowing other people's _precious_ secret identities. Come on, I've known you're the Bat for years and I haven't told anyone!"  
  
Bruce gave him a pointed look, an eyebrow arched.  
  
"Okay, fine, I told JARVIS, but he doesn’t even have a body and soul so he doesn't count. Besides, he's _almost_ as smart as his daddy, so he would have found out anyway. And yeah, I _might_ be to blame for Pepper finding out too. Maybe. _But still._ That makes it a just one person and an AI that found out because of me. It's not that bad."  
   
"And you still have to ask why I wouldn't tell you?" Bruce shook his head, the corner of his mouth curled up. "Besides, you finding out about Batman wasn't my choice exactly."  
   
"No, it wasn't. But really, Bats, if you didn't want me to figure out your little dirty, pointy-eared secret you shouldn't have tried bullshitting your way through our little chat like you do with the stupid, _stupid_ people you usually hang out with."  
   
Bruce rolled his eyes at him, but said nothing. If he was honest with himself that was the exact reason he had tried to keep Tony away from him after coming back to Gotham. Not that Tony had gotten the message. Or more like he hadn't cared either way.  
   
"So, about Mr Spandex's secret identity ..." Tony trailed off, giving the other billionaire his very best puppy dog eyes, and pouting lips.  
   
"It's not my secret to tell."  
   
"But you do know it, don't you? _Wait_. Is this your way of telling me I should walk to Superman and ask him to tell me his secret identity, pretty please?"   
   
"That ... would be quite interesting to see, actually." Bruce bit his lip in an attempt to stop from laughing. He wouldn't put it past Tony to really do just that. The man had no sense of shame. And there was even a small, mischievous part of him that was hoping Stark would do that just so he could see Clark's reaction.   
   
"You're such a selfish jerk, Wayne. Not wanting to share with your fellow superhero buddy. I _sooo_ would tell you the secret identity of everyone on SHIELD who actually have one if you asked me, you know."   
   
Bruce gave him a small, lopsided smile. "Then I guess is a good thing I wouldn't."  
   
"Yeah, but that's just because you _already_ know them. Hacking into their systems and stuff." Tony tilted his head, looking pensive for a moment. "Have I thank you for that yet, Brucie-bear? Because I feel like I should. It wasn't until that security breach that Fury finally let me work my magic to pull them out of their misery."  
   
Bruce rolled his eyes again. Something recurrent when you had to deal with Tony Stark. "No, you didn't. And stop calling me that."   
   
"I will if you tell me Supes' big secret."   
   
"No, you wouldn't."   
   
"Yeah, you're right. I guess I'll have to stalk you until I find out."    
   
"Really? That's your master plan?"   
   
"Yep."   
   
"I thought you had to get back to Malibu in the morning."   
   
"I do, but you don't have to be in the same city to spy on someone else, Batsy. You know, satellites and all that mighty and shiny technology." Tony winked, giving Bruce a wide, winning grin before turning back to the Bat's toys with a dramatic spin of his chair.  
   
Bruce let out a huff of exasperation mixed with amusement as he turned back to his work without another word.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has a sequel now: [give all my secrets away.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6327088)
> 
> So ... Yeah. The only reason this fic exist is because when I got the idea a couple of weeks ago, I thought it was kind of fun and it wouldn't leave me alone, so I wrote it. 
> 
> This doesn't have a particular place in canon, but I see it happening either before TDK or after TDKR. If it's the latter, it's assuming Bruce came back from the death _again_ at some point, and took up the cowl. As for Superman not showing up anytime to help Gotham, I'm using the initial argument of Superman Returns, which has Superman away from Earth for five years, looking for the supposed remains of Krypton, but ignoring the rest of the plot. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> This is unbetaed, so please feel free to point out any mistake you find.
> 
> The title was taken from the song "Secrets" by OneRepublic.


End file.
